>I am 30 years of age
>no job no friends but I still have a life
>my life is shrek
>I worship and praise Shrek everyday, thanking him for my life
>I watch the movies everyday, reciting them word for word
>I eat nothing but wafflez an onionz
>One day, my mom comes into my house to do chores
>she sees me offering onions at my shrek altar
>she laughs at me and calls me a moron, saying I am too old for shrek
>I look over my shoulder at that horrible drek face
>I get on my knees and vigorously pray to Shrek, just as she is about to leave
>"SHERK, PLS HALP ME"
>She laughs some more, and tries to leave through my door
>She finds it is locked
>The scent of... onions arises
>My Mom looks at me and asks me what the fuck is going on
>I chuckle and say "should've cheked urself b4 u shrekt urself"
>Suddenly, shrek CRASHES through the ceiling
>He rips out her heart and shoves it down her throat
>He then pulls out his ogresized eshreksion
>He fucks her through the anus and dick comes out of mouth making a juicy shish kebab
>He then pulls out, leaving a bloody sack of skin
>He then mashes the pulp into an onion shaped ball, infuses it with onion cum and gives it to me
>I eat it happily
>I discover a note, reading "AY'EH WILL ALWAIS PROTECT U LAHDEE"
>I look up and shrek is gone
>sherk is luv shrek is life
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